Week 266: Definitely Weird


Dungarees -- n. Diplomas conferred by colleges for the study of spoor.

Sisyphean -- adj. Describes an intellectually difficult argument propounded by a smart but effete pundit like Michael Kinsley.

Pontoon -- n. A newspaper caricature of the pope.

Spatula -- n. A tiff among vampires. 

Blunderbuss -- n. An attempted kiss between two blind people.

This Week's Contest was proposed by Spencer Fogg of Fairfax Station. Mr. Fogg, who is 9 years old, inquired of his mom the meaning of the word "crotchety." When she asked him what he thought it meant, he guessed that it described people who find adolescent humor in matters pertaining to the private parts. Spencer wins a Whoopie Cushion. The contest is to take any word from the dictionary and redefine it. First-prize winner receives a bag of 50 49 Whoopie Cushions, worth $ 30.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 266, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 27. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abrv No One Ntcs was written by Russ Beland of Springfield. Employees of the Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 263, in which we asked for unfortunate names for new products.

This contest had the biggest response ever -- about 40,000 entries -- which means we may have inadvertently ignored submissions similar or even identical to the winners. If you feel slighted, we have established a special e-mail address to process your complaints, at complaintsbiteme.com. One of our favorite entries was disqualified because it was not a bad product name but a good product name. We urge Mennen to pay Mr. Barry Blyveis of Columbia $ 6 million for the rights to an antiperspirant named No Sweat, Man.

Good entries too popular to reward with prizes: Automobiles named the Lincoln Incontinental, the Chevy Recall, the Honda Accordion and the Ford Tsuris. Deodorants named "Gee, Your Pits Smell Terrific!" and Acrid Extra-Dry. Battleships named the USS Lowest Bidder, the USS Mahatma Gandhi and the USS Lewinsky, the last for reasons that can only be surmised. Finally, several readers sternly lectured us about an error that tragically crept into Bob Staake's drawing of the battleship the Sitting Duck: The vessel, as drawn, was not in fact a battleship but an aircraft carrier. A few letter writers even informed us what "class" carrier it was, when it was likely commissioned and what its deck-load capacity would be. To these readers, we apologize for the error. It will not happen again. Please report back to militia headquarters at 0900 hours for your medication.

-- Fifth Runner-Up -- Bad Name for new software product:

Sim Cambodian Death Camp (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

-- Fourth Runner-Up -- Bad name for a new breed of dog:

Golden Reliever (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)

-- Third Runner up -- Bad name for a new city:

Indian Burial Ground, Ky. (John Kammer, Herndon; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

-- Second Runner up -- Bad name for a new software product:

WordPrefect (Paul Styrene, Olney; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

-- First Runner-Up -- Bad name for a new city:

Hymietown (Thad Humphries, Warrenton; Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

-- And the winner of the 1964 World's Fair ashtray:

Bad name for a new breed of dog: The Needlenosed Buttsniffer

(Erica Magram, Bowie)

-- Honorable Mentions:

Bad name for a new deodorant:

Menses for Men (Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

Arrid Extra Gooey (Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.)

"Down There" (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

Shower-on-a-Stick (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Grandma's Old Fashioned Home-Style Chunky Antiperspirant (Russ Beland, Springfield)

"I Can't Believe It's Not Halibut!"

(Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.)

Bad name for a new car:

The Pontiac Popemobile (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

Pontiac Sunkist (Raj Iyer, Arlington)

Mazda Pinata (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Fiat Paparazzi (Meredith Robinson, Springfield)

Cadillac Mob Coffin (Buckley S.P. Carlson, Washington)

Geo "Parts" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Plymouth I-Think-I-Can I-Think-I-Can

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Triumph Backfire (Mark T. Early, Arlington)

Pontiac Demo (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Suzuki Rollover (Eric Dunayer, Rockville)

Ford "Gerald" (Harold Mantle, Darnestown)

Bad name for a new breed of dog:

Buttdragging Grasshound (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Land Mine Retriever (Keith Waites, Frederick)

Clinton Foxhound (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Mincing Little Rat Bastard Pomeranian

From Hell (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Bad name for a new city:

Ronald Reagan Washington National City

(Nick Dierman, Columbia)

Palookaville, USA (Christopher Hapner, Savannah)

Receding Shores, Calif. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Turista Town (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Lesser Hyattsville (David Genser, Arlington)

The Projects, N.J. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Millionaires-Who-Don't-Believe-in-Securityville (John Kammer, Herndon)

Raljon (John Kammer, Herndon)

Witness Protection Corners, Ind.

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

King of Rwanda, Pa. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Bhopal-by-the-Sea (Nick Dierman, Columbia)

Bad name for a battleship:

The USS I'm With Stupid (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

USS Tickle Me Elmo (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

USS Doily (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

USS Pride of Baghdad (Patrick Tighe, Gaithersburg)

USS Powderkeg (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

USS C'mon, Let's Talk About It. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

USS Cost Overrun (Joseph Romm, Washington)

USS Noogie (Tom Restivo, Frederick)

USS Cutie Pie (Carol Thompson, Largo, Fla.)

USS OS (Jose Cortina, Centreville)

Old Fiberglass Sides (John Kammer, Herndon)

The Hesperus (Mark T. Early, Arlington)

The USS Screen Door (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Bad name for new software:

Microsoft or Else! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Java Screen Freezer (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Desktop Pornographer for Kids!

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

FontSmudge98 (Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.)

The High School SAT Preperation Kit

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Insufficient Memory to Run Me 98

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Pong (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

Precision Pi Calculator (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Ted Kaczynski's Mailbox Plus

(Mike Scheinberg, Durham, N.C.)

Next Week: Ask Backward